Self-Blaming

Hi there! ( ^_^ )

While I'm still recovering from the other trauma... I just want you to know - No matter what happened, don't just blame yourself. 

I did that in the past and I got always sick because of it. But now... I don't do that anymore, unless I do really know that I'm also partly responsible for the consequences. You won't get anywhere if you just blame yourself. So, stop blaming yourself if you're not responsible for it. But don't also blame the others for your misery. If you want to feel and get better in life - Take action. Every great leaders will say that. I'm talking here about our Personal Freedom. I've learned this words from Brendon Burchard's book 'The Motivation Manifesto' and Brian Tracey. 

Let's get back to the topic for a little bit (Self-blaming). Most of us are likely going to blame themselves because of something that happened to them. For example, I blamed myself in the past for being unable to warn my parents about the molesting case at the beginning. If I had warned them about that, they/I could have prevented the assaulting case. Yes, I got molested for days at the beginning and then assaulted. I was really powerless back then. I got lured by the food he was giving me and he succesfully earned my trust. 

I was ashamed and blamed myself for years. I couldn't even interact with the opposite sex properly. But then I got a calling in my head after that. That was when I began to open up to my little sister. I just shared my secret 2 years ago. I became the person I am today because of that calling.

In short, if you've regretted because of your unability to prevent something. You have to change the course in order to free yourself from it. This course will take some time and energy, but it's worth it. What you couldn't do back then, you can change it by doing it today, tomorrow or right now. 

Good Luck! ;-)

Next Obstacle: Recovering From My Other Childhood Trauma

In this chapter, I'm going to talk about my other early childhood trauma: My bad father/daughter relationship till this present.

As you may know, I've recovered from my other childhood trauma. (sexual assault by someone I knew) But it doesn't mean that I've recovered from the other trauma(s).

This bad father/daughter relationship affects me till this day. My father was extremely abusive in the past (physically and emotionally). There was a time when he wanted to kill my mother in front of us (my siblings and I) because he needed money. My father was a gambler. (I was 9 at that time)

I've never liked him because of his explosive behaviours towards every little issue. My earliest memory of him was when he was physically abusing me because I peed in my pants. And I was a toddler at that time. He pushed me against the door, slapped multiple time on my face and yelled at me in the middle of the night. And at the end, he violently pulled me to the closet to change my pants. (I don't remember what really happened before he abused me, but I had wet pants and I was crying. My mother wasn't present)

My next memory was when I was playing a game on the computer. (game: tic-tac-toe) My father came right beside me during the game and I lost at the end of the game. My father became really violent after my loss. He began to scold me, hit my head and left.

Next was when we were travelling in other countries during summer vacation. I really hated to take pictures of myself and family pictures... The atmosphere got always tense when he ordered us to stand next to each other just to take a family picture or to record us. There were times I refused to let him take pictures of me, but we always end up in a fight just because I didn't want to let him take pictures of me.

One of the worst time was when he said to his uncle and aunt that he didn't love us as much as he does to his nephews and nieces. We weren't there, but his uncle and aunt told this to my mother first and she told me after that.

And there was more... The last time was when my previous school had announced the death of a schoolmate. I was really affected by that announcement and my father screamed at my mother for nothing at that very same day. That was when I've exploded in front of him and we yelled at each other through the door of my room.

All my frustrations bottled up till now and I still couldn't digest it... I've never forgiven him.

Each time when I began to read a self-recovering book, I began to cry of anger. I cry of anger not just because of my father, but also because of myself. I'm angry at myself to be unable to forgive and love my father after all his mistakes. I do know that he has made mistakes because he's a human, too. Everyone has made mistakes and I can't deny that I've also made mistakes in the past.

Recovering from your childhood traumas takes time and energy. But the problem is that I have to slow down myself and take a deep breath before going to the next step.

If you feel the same way... Good Luck to you, too! ( ^_^ )

Keep Moving Forward - Meeting New People

Hi! ^_^ I'll keep it short in this post.

My internship ended on friday and I got a really positive feedback from my mentor. I got really motivated to keep pushing forward after that.

No matter what feedback you get... Just take the essential out of it and move forward.

_______________________________________________________________________

On the 20th of February, I attended a birthday party of a friend and I got to know nice and funny people. But there were also other people who were less likable.  I didn't really pay attention to them after that. 

Last but not least, I thought at the end of the party that it wasn't so bad to get to know other people. But I still have to be careful to whom I speak.

The End Of A Phase Is Near (Internship)

Hi there! ^_^ Like I've warned to all of you, I've been already on an internship for almost 3 weeks and the end of it is very near right now. (Only 2 days to go and it will end)

The lessons are going to resume next week. (Too soon! I'd like to have a week off in order to work further on my report)
I do love to go to the college, but I think that it's too soon to resume the lessons. But the funny thing is, I'm the one who's procrastinating right now. I always thought about taking action, but I'm too lazy or distracted by many things. (LOL) This sounds really ironic. ( ^_^') I'm posting encouraging messages and quotes about discipline and taking action, but I'm doing less then what I've said to you.
And do you know how I felt after that? - I felt really guilty. - SORRY - 

Procrastinating is one of my recent bad habits and I've decided to take more action, starting from tomorrow. I'll make sure that I've done everything from my daily checklist. I just found another way to make sure that I'll take action tomorrow, and that thing is: making short checklists everyday in order to take less pressure from me. I've noticed that I felt really pressured after making a long daily checklist. 

I recommend you to not procrastinate (like me for example, I'm being a bad girl right now). You'll regret it if you don't take action any sooner. 

In order to be a role model for the others, you have to set an example for yourself first. Or else, it won't work.

Good Luck to all of us! ( ^_^ )

Being Successful

Defiance

In this post, I'm going to talk about the moments when I was defiant towards any forms of authority.
For example, I was always defiant towards my father. My father was a man who controlled  the family (verbally and physically). He didn't give us much freedom. He wanted to decide on everything without talking about it with the family. He was a man who moved alone without being considerate of his surroundings.

I was really obedient and afraid of him when I was a child - until I got assaulted by a person I knew since my early childhood and bullied by most of the boys of my school. I've endured all of it and I exploded at the end when my father was yelling at my mother because she wasn't doing something the way he wanted (2 years ago). And before that, I also broke down at school on that same day because of the loss of a schoolmate. I didn't know her, but I got really affected by her sudden death. - She committed suicide. I saw her at school from a distance, but I didn't know her and I've never spoken to her. All I know about her was: she was a withdrawn girl and she belonged to a group of fun, joyful girls.

I hit the table after he screamed at her and locked myself up in my room after that. Because I've known that I'd be screwed after that if I sat there any longer. As I could have expected, my father went to my room and screamed at me to open the door. I refused. After screaming at me through the door, I began to scream at him as well. And that's when our relationship between father-daughter got worsened. 

I've gotten more rebellious towards him. Up until now, our relationship still hasn't been improved because I'm still avoiding him.

This is an example of a long-during life-event my life (and my father's life) got affected with.

I just want to let you know that you will not progress in life if you don't solve your own issues. Solve it when it bothers you. And if the issue doesn't affect your life, then you don't have to pay attention to it. ( ^_^')

Good Luck! 

Becoming Your Own Master

The path(s) you're choosing determine(s) your outcome(s). It's the same for your mindset. 

You'll move more forward when you look at things more positively then when you're looking at those negatively. 

Many fearful people don't have the courage to take the initiave to manage their life independently, and so they just follow someone else's orders blindly. Fearful people are those who just accepts what everyone else says about them. They still live in conformity - a life with monotone colors and no vibrancy. 

The true Masters are those who have the courage to decline everything that can undermine their self-confidence. They play their own game. They won't let other (negative) people influence their life. They are determined to achieve their goal and confident enough to overcome each obstacle in life. 

Everyone is their own Master and no one has the right to take control over your life. And when I'm talking about control, I mean: the negative influences of someone else and those who want to hold you back from anything you want to achieve. True Masters are those who are seeking for their own Freedom. The freedom to express themselves. The freedom to decide and achieve their goal. They are fearless of the Unknown, but it doens't mean that they'll jump in it recklessly. Their main goal is to become a better individual. Beside all this, they also won't look back at their dark past(s). Or else they won't be able to feel free and grow. The purpose of being a better person is to live in the present and to plan for YOUR own future.

Good Luck! :-)

One of The Stepping Stones to Improve Yourself

Like I said in 'The Long Road': Everyone needs challenges to improve themselves (in life and personally). There are times we fail and get lost, and there are times we succeed. But if you decide to give up now - after getting lost or a failure, you lose. 

Inspirational people and great leaders became who they are right now because they could overcome their fears and failures. They fought with determination and discipline. And they never gave up on their dreams and values - no matter their circumstances. 
Those people were ones like us. There were times when they wanted to give up, but got out of it. Even I wanted to give up, but then I decided to stop pitying myself and blaming the others for my myseries. 

If you're not satisfied with your current life, you can make a difference of it by changing your way of thinking. By changing your way of thinking, you also change the way you live and the way you perceive the world. (And I'm still working on it ^_^)
Changing the way you're thinking takes a lot of time and energy, but it's worth it. You have to be more disciplined, determined AND most importantly, to be patient for it.

Like, getting more self-confidence: Self-confidence is a muscle that you have to train everyday. By challenging yourself and overcoming your challenges, you gain more self-confidence and satisfaction. And if you gain more self-confidence, you have more courage to challenge yourself and to make mistakes. Perfectionists are not those who do everything perfecty, but they are the ones who don't release. They don't release because of the Fear of Failing, and so they don't have the chance to perfect their skill(s) or product(s). Those who don't fear of failure can perfect their skill(s) or product(s) and evolve into a better person. 

Good Luck! ( ^_^ )

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Internship

Hi everyone! ( ^_^ )

I'd like to warn you that I'll be on a 3-weeks-internship from now on. But that doens't mean that I won't be active again. It may be a little bit tricky to write something from now on, but I'll do my best to serve you more consistently. (wednesday & saturday) ;-) 

Thank you for your patience and consideration.

Much love, hugs and kisses!