Next Obstacle: Recovering From My Other Childhood Trauma

In this chapter, I'm going to talk about my other early childhood trauma: My bad father/daughter relationship till this present.

As you may know, I've recovered from my other childhood trauma. (sexual assault by someone I knew) But it doesn't mean that I've recovered from the other trauma(s).

This bad father/daughter relationship affects me till this day. My father was extremely abusive in the past (physically and emotionally). There was a time when he wanted to kill my mother in front of us (my siblings and I) because he needed money. My father was a gambler. (I was 9 at that time)

I've never liked him because of his explosive behaviours towards every little issue. My earliest memory of him was when he was physically abusing me because I peed in my pants. And I was a toddler at that time. He pushed me against the door, slapped multiple time on my face and yelled at me in the middle of the night. And at the end, he violently pulled me to the closet to change my pants. (I don't remember what really happened before he abused me, but I had wet pants and I was crying. My mother wasn't present)

My next memory was when I was playing a game on the computer. (game: tic-tac-toe) My father came right beside me during the game and I lost at the end of the game. My father became really violent after my loss. He began to scold me, hit my head and left.

Next was when we were travelling in other countries during summer vacation. I really hated to take pictures of myself and family pictures... The atmosphere got always tense when he ordered us to stand next to each other just to take a family picture or to record us. There were times I refused to let him take pictures of me, but we always end up in a fight just because I didn't want to let him take pictures of me.

One of the worst time was when he said to his uncle and aunt that he didn't love us as much as he does to his nephews and nieces. We weren't there, but his uncle and aunt told this to my mother first and she told me after that.

And there was more... The last time was when my previous school had announced the death of a schoolmate. I was really affected by that announcement and my father screamed at my mother for nothing at that very same day. That was when I've exploded in front of him and we yelled at each other through the door of my room.

All my frustrations bottled up till now and I still couldn't digest it... I've never forgiven him.

Each time when I began to read a self-recovering book, I began to cry of anger. I cry of anger not just because of my father, but also because of myself. I'm angry at myself to be unable to forgive and love my father after all his mistakes. I do know that he has made mistakes because he's a human, too. Everyone has made mistakes and I can't deny that I've also made mistakes in the past.

Recovering from your childhood traumas takes time and energy. But the problem is that I have to slow down myself and take a deep breath before going to the next step.

If you feel the same way... Good Luck to you, too! ( ^_^ )