It's Okay Not To Be Okay

Hi everyone! How have you guys been lately? I'm doing quite well at the moment. 

Today, I'm going to make a confession; I'd been hospitalised for five days and just came back home yesterday. 

The reason why I'd been hospitalised is quite obvious... I've had a crisis attack on Tuesday and I'd rather not talk about the cause.

All I want to say is; it's okay to not be okay sometimes. It means that you need a break from everything and start to focus on your inner self (To search for your inner peace). And luckily, I've gotten those five-days break away from home.

Lovies & Kisses!

A little year reflection

Hi everyone! How have you guys been? I'm doing fine at the moment.

Google images: reflection

Today I'm going to do a little year reflection. 

It doesn't have to be about my growth or achievements, but it's about where I'm standing right now and the things I'm grateful for.

This year and last year, I've pushed myself too far and hit an enormous thick wall. I wanted to rush and achieve many things in a short amount of time, which was not realistic. And as a result, I got lost and hopeless. With other words, I got into a major depression and had to get hospitalised in mid-May 2017 for a month. I couldn't participate at the exams because of that. 

Right now, it has been said that I've made a progress. I became happier and enjoyed my life more, but the problem is... I'm unable to study at the moment. 

Thank goodness, my mother is really supportive and let me rest for a whole year. Even my psychiatrist gave me this permission. But there are still times, that my mother doesn't really understand what depression is. And we fight a lot because of that. But that's ok, we make up afterwards.

This year I'm really thankful for a lot of things.

I'm thankful for:

1. Being still alive;
2. Having a supportive family and friends;
3. Taking a good long rest from all the stressful things;
4. Getting the opportunity to work and focus on myself and my needs;
5. Being loved and;
6. Getting professional help (therapy).

And you? How was your year?

Spontaneous art

This is a present to all of you! (I don't always post texts) This art is a special one because I just went with the flow. I usually paint when there's an image in my head. 💡

Do not use without permission

Emotional scar and relationships

Hi everyone! How have you been lately? I'm fine at the moment.

Today I'm going to talk about emotional pain after a sexual assault/abuse. Children, women and even men who are/were victims of this will have trust and relationship issues later on. And I'm one of them too. 

I had difficulties with trusting other people and even myself. And I still kind of do to this day. I do trust my friends and family, but I am unable to fall in love or letting love in. I'm afraid to get hurt again, but on the other side... I do know that if I want to enjoy my life, I have to let love in. 

I'm on therapy right now and my therapist made me think about moments that made me feel safe and happy. It wasn't easy to think about one directly and it took me many minutes to find one. 

We did this to have some foundation before starting with the uncomfortable subject. 

Trusting and letting love in take a great amount of time and energy. I become very tired after a session of therapy or being with a loved one. There are people who are extremely patient with us and some don't. We have to take appreciation of those who are with us and letting those who aren't with us go. It will hurt in the beginning, but after that you'll realize that it's better that way. We can't be fated to everyone. It's better to let go of the meaningless relationships and to move on with those who are fated to be with us. 

I know it's difficult, but I've been there. There were some times when I began to hesitate about my judgements, but when time goes on... You'll become more confident. 

Good Luck! Let's all work together!! 💪🏻

Fear

Hi everyone! How have you been? I'm doing quite well at the moment. Today, I'm going to talk about my fears (I've already talked about it a few months ago, but I have the need to express it right now)

My fears didn't come suddenly without any reasons. You already know that I have difficulties with showing my vulnerability, love and trust. And with this post, I would like to tell you that I want to face those issues. (Not all at once, it's too much)

I fear love because it strips you till you're naked (I'm talking about the feelings and problems you're hiding, not literally). You have to show your vulnerability and honesty towards that person. 
And I fear love because of the emotional pain after a bad break up. (I never had a relationship before)

But on the other hand, I yearn for experiencing love, but I'm too afraid to let it in. And I'm also glad that I have people to encourage me to take my time. Most of my friends are in a relationship and I'm curious about how it feels like to be loved and cherished by someone.

And you? 

If you do; I would also like to encourage you to take your time until you feel ready to jump in it.

Good Luck!

New start

Hi everyone! How have you been? I'm doing quite well lately.

I'm writing this post in order to let you know that I'm trying my best in order to distract myself from those negative thoughts by studying a new course in order to have a different scenery and to work on my creativity. I'll be studying beautician specialized in the artificial nail arts for a year. Beside that course, they also offer an option in business administration. - Perfect timing! (or else I'll forget the lessons I've taken at the college)

With this post, I want to encourage you to distract yourself from those dark thoughts by taking up a new hobby like sports, a new course, ... or to encourage the person you know to do it. It may take a lot of time in order to move that person, but... Patience is KEY. 

Good Luck!

Hope

Hi everyone! How have you been? I'm doing quite well at the moment and I'm slowly recovering, but that's okay.

I didn't post anything last month because I was travelling with my family. (I wanted to spend QT with them and I'm going back home this month, next week)

My therapy begins right after when I've returned and I still have to decide whether I'm going to study this year or not. My mother will support my decisions because she understands what I need the most at this moment. 

During my vacation, I've came to realization that my family was shocked because of my actions (months ago). My grandfather died last year and if I died this year... They will be devastated. Not only them, but the people who care about me will be like that too. 

Right now, I'm doing my best to live happily, but it's not easy. I'm someone who tends to look on the negative side of things + wandering in the past. I need to learn to let things go and forgive in order to move on, like my family does. They showed me that there's still hope when I'm still alive and that I can become someone else's hope, when the opportunity arises. 

Xoxoxo

Abyss

Hey everyone ! How have you been? I'm not doing very well at the moment because I have a severe depression. It all began in October 2016, when I got bullied and my grandfather's death. 😞

During that time, I had difficulties with getting out of my bed, concentrating during class, eating and I was very self-critical. I would put myself down at every mistake and I pushed myself into a corner. And more than a month ago, I've tried to end my life at night in my room by strangling myself with my own hands... I went to my doctor the day after that for seeking help. I was really hopeless and desperated. I felt inferior to everyone. 

On that same very day, I got hospitalised for a month and got discharged on 17/06. I couldn't participate during the finals and I don't plan to do them in Auguste. All I need to do now is to take a long break from every activity, except for going out with friends and anything that's not stressful.

Right now, I have difficulties with insomnia, memory loss and eating (eating much less).

If you're in the same situation or you know someone like that... Please, seek for help or help that person. For those who want to help: don't be pushy and impatient. Depression is a severe problem and needs to be handled with care.

Many kisses and hugs! & Good Luck 💕💪

Love?

Hi everyone! How have you been? ^_^ I'm doing well at the moment.

Have you ever fallen in love with someone or been in a relationship? Cause... I've never fallen in love with someone. How does it feel like to be in a relationship? Cause I'm kind of curious about it.

Or maybe, you haven't too? - Welcome to our league of Late-Bloomers! x'D

I'm unable to fully understand what a love relationship is like and when my friend wants to receive some advice from me; I'd tend to give her the most logical solution to it (after comforting her of course). I don't even know how love feels like... How can you be sure that you're in love with someone? This really puzzles me. x'D Even my younger brother is in his long-distance springtime.

I know that everyone's different, some of us need more time in order to discover themselves/open themselves up. And the others ones bloom(ed) sooner than us.
I'm 20 right now (I know, I'm still young) and most people whom I know have ever dated someone/had a relationship/are being in a relationship/are even married or engaged!! (Ö) It's even possible that I'll have my first love many years later or I'll spend the rest of my life as a lonely woman... Just kidding, I like the sound of the independent single woman more. :'))

On the other hand, I think I know why people don't dare to approach me... It's because I still keep my guard up. Even my sister said the same thing. She literally said to me that there are times that I'm unapproachable, even when we're a family. To me, being alert is NOT a bad thing, but giving off the feeling that you're aloof and cold is another story. I (You) won't be able to meet new people if this goes on. ^_^' So we need to pay more attention to our face expression (e.g. smile more!)

Good Luck!

It's NOT Your Fault

Hi everyone! How have you been lately? I'm doing well at the moment ^_^

As a victim myself, I just want to remind you that it's NOT your fault that you've been assaulted or abused. The person who has touched you should have kept their hands at home. And if they didn't, they've crossed your boundary/boundaries and defied human rights.

I know that for many/some of you got blamed/ignored instead. And I feel really bad for you because of that. If you need help, seek for it no matter what. I did and it helped me a lot! I've learned to trust and love people more.

Good Luck & Much Love!

-SongS.

Face It - Doubts

Hi everyone! ( ^_^ ) How have you been? I'm doing fine.

This time I'm going to talk about how I face my trauma (the one I got sexually assaulted). The process of healing is different for everyone, but this method may help you too.

I learn to face my trauma by talking about it with someone or people I trust; people who make time in order to listen to my worries and my story. Sometimes, I tell them clearly about my expectations and goals before telling them my story. The way I tell my story to someone is each time a little bit different. Sometimes, I tell my story in big lines or I tell it in details. And if I don't want to talk to someone; I write it down without checking my spelling/grammar mistakes. I just write down (in a journal, of course) what comes into my mind. It is very important to have a place where no one/nothing can distract or disturb you.

Next thing that may help you too is reading the experiences of the other victims who have conquered their trauma. And if you can't really do it on your own or with the help of other people (like friends and family); you need to go to a professional. And if you don't wish to go to a professional, then it's your decision. No one can oblige you to go, because the consideration of your feelings is very important. But there's one thing I can guarantee you; in order to be able to process your trauma, you need to face it.
(For the people who has someone who's a victim too: Please, be patient. In order to convince the victim to go to a professional; that person needs to feel completely safe. The victim is unable to make rational decisions when he/she is mentally unstable (e.g. severe depression with panic attacks, ...).)

I know that our past has an impact on our current self. I lost my childhood when I got assaulted and lived as a different person after that; a person who thought that the world is a dangerous place. And I still think like that at some point. I have constantly doubted about my real identity and I'm still doubting about it...
(  ^_^' )

Much Love and Kisses!

Letting Love In

Hi everyone! ^_^ How have you been? I'm doing quite well, except for my voice. Cause I've lost it :')). Valentine's Day is just around the corner and I thought... Why not write something about "Love"?

To me, "Love" is a very complicated feeling because I haven't really experienced it (I'm 20 now... And yep, I'm a late bloomer). I can only feel "the love" for my family, friends and the other people that I care about. But I don't know how it feels like to "fall in love" with someone. And I know the reason why I don't...
It's because I don't let "Love" in. Letting "Love" in also means that you don't put up any (emotional) barriers/walls between your loved one and yourself. And the scariest thing is the feeling of being vulnerable and showing it to the one you love. I'm still NOT ready for it!

I'd rather give love and affection to someone than to receive it. (I feel really uncomfortable: getting a sudden hug from someone, even when that person is well-known to me or patting my head.)
I feel happy when my friends are happy with their loved ones, but I feel different when it comes to myself, because I don't think I deserve it... (Even when they've pointed out my positive aspects. ^_^') - Sorry!!

Letting "Love" in is something that takes time, whether it's over a short or a long period. You are the only one who's going to decide if you're ready for it or not. And if that person isn't respecting your decision(s), then he/she is not worthy of you.

Lovies & Good Luck!

Gratitude II

Hi everyone! It's been a very long time. How have you been? I'm doing very well at the moment. ^_^

I only wished you guys a Happy New Year last time and I hope that your Year had a good start. Mine did. But before that last post, I was busy with my preparations for my exam period and I was in a rehab (depression), too. And I'm still in a rehab.

In this chapter, I'm going to talk about things I'm grateful for.

I'm grateful for:

• having a loving family
• having supportive and considerate friends
• getting an education
• getting all those challenging opportunities: using a language that I'm not comfortable with, ...
• being supported during my rehab and getting a rehab
• having someone who scolds me when I'm doing something wrong
• all the facilities that my mother could provide us
• having my own privacy and freedom

And last but not least, I'm grateful to you for reading my posts.

I may be very ambitious, but being grateful with the current things that you have and the experience is much more important than just reaching your goals. It is really important to be present in order to live a truly happy life. And forgive yourself when making mistakes. (I tend to be very strict with myself cause I have very high expectations and standards when doing something. So I have to change myself on that aspect, too :'D)

Much Love & Good Luck!

Image: google images

Happy 2017

Hi everyone! How have you been lately? I'm doing well.

I would like to wish you all a very happy 2017 with abundance, prosperity and healthy life!!

Lots of love