Graduation

My efforts have finally paid off after working hard for 4 years at school. And today, I'm going to spend my last moments with the school...

Before I'm going to graduate, I would like to thank all the people who have supported me during my hardships... I would like to thank these people:

• My intelligent little brother and sister
• Mr. & Mrs. Lamonte
• Mrs. I. & E. Trogh 
• Mrs. Pannier
• My friends and classmates
• Mrs. Lieve Beck
• Mrs. Van Praet Els
• All the other teachers at my school
• My beautiful mother
• Liselot W.
• Kate G.
• Mrs. Ineke De Vylder
• Mr. Peter Hellemond
• My family

I'm really grateful to all of you. Without you, I wouldn't have become the person I am today...

Shame

I was really ashamed about what happened to myself, 8 years ago... I even felt guilty because I didn't share my story earlier...

But today, I don't feel any shame or guilt anymore because of the support that I got from the people around me.

What happened in the past, has already happened and you can't change it anymore... What you can still change are your present and your future. The things that you've experienced are a part of your life. I don't want you to forget what you have experienced, but to learn from it and go forward. Whatever you've experienced... Just keep your head high, smile, learn from the experience(s) and move forward. Create for yourself moments where you can really be yourself and cherish those moments...

Our life is like a story... And it ends when we die. There are times when you can control it and there are times when you can't. Like what happened to you, them or me... When you've lost control, just take the control over the story back and write your own story. Just do it on your own pace and don't try to rush. Everyone has their own pace of taking back their control of life. After that obstacle, you will face more obstacles in your life... You have to face each obstacle that you've encountered. Just view those obstacles as stops, stations or missions that you have to complete. You have to do your best at each stop. And I hope you won't regret if you have failed at one of those stops. Just take your baggages of knowledge that you have gained to the next stop and use your knowledge to complete your next mission.

"Some people aim for the top of a mountain, but you have to enjoy the scenery, too." - Kiyoshi Teppei

Steps of Wisdom

In this chapter, I'm going to talk about the progress of my self-confidence during this whole school year. But I have to talk a little bit about some things that took place in the past... ^^'

I began to follow music lessons (singing and music theory, and later violin) after school 3 years ago. I followed music lessons just for my own amusement and I've never thought about giving a concert either. (Because I didn't know that it was also on the program)

I got scared when my singing coach announced to me that I have to participate in concerts and exams for the first time. If I could remember it clearly, the concert that I gave for the first time wasn't very bad at all. (I've made some mistakes) But I was a very self-conscious person. I was a real perfectionist at that time and I was too afraid to make mistakes... I was a person who would panic right away after making some little mistakes... But after 2 years of practicing myself to change my mindset, I've become less afraid to make mistakes.

I've viewed each mistake as something very negative in the past, but now... I've become more spontaneous and carefree when making mistakes. I just view those mistakes as my working points...

I just took my time to take certain steps in order to get to my goal. (= building up my self-confidence)

And I hesitated a lot before taking decisions...

This is a list of the progresses that I've made this year:

• Singing for my school, but hiding behind a pillar :-P
• Sharing my story with the boys of my class (there are only 2 boys)
• Sharing my story with other people (everyone of my class, some teachers and friends)
• Sharing this blog
• Participating at the public singing examination
• Laughing together with other people (I rarely smiled in front of people)
• Being more talkative and participating in some group activities
• Taking the lead in a teamwork for a certain project
• Showing my emotions and thoughts
• Trusting some boys and men
• Accepting rejections and critisism from other people
• ...

No matter how big or small your steps are... Each step that you have made is a progress and you have to be proud of it! ;-)

Each step that you've made (by falling and standing up again) is a step towards new possibilities. Just by moving forward; no matter how big or small they are, you will gain more knowledge, strength and wisdom.

Most of the power to move forward comes from you. You have to take the initiative to change yourself when you aren't satisfied with the way you are right now... Another factor to help you to move forward is the support from the people who care about you. Just don't forget that you're never alone and if you need help... Just ask for it ;-)

My Story

My story began 8 years ago...
I was still 10 years old and I was very innocent and clueless... In short, I was still a child. But it changed when an acquaintance stayed over for a period of time. He was 67 years old at that time and everyone trusted him. He bought us food, he played with us until he began to touch me. I felt really uncomfortable, but I didn't know what he was doing. All I knew was that he was doing bad things and I didn't dare to tell that to my parents. I have a little brother and sister and I was the only one who got assaulted.

After being touched for so many days... One night, he attacked me when I was sleeping. I was right beside my little sister who was sleeping, but I couldn't make any sound or I was unable to make any sound. I was even unable to scream for help. I fought against him, but I failed. I thought I could protect my little sister if I didn't make any sound so that he can leave her alone. After being assaulted, he left the room and slept in his room. I couldn't sleep that night and the first thing I did in the next morning was: getting a shower to get rid of the smell and the dirt off of my body and after that I acted normal like nothing happened. But deep inside of me, I was really afraid to be alone or even being in the same room as him with my parents and my brother and sister.
After the day I've been assaulted, he disappeared. (I don't even know if he's still living or not, but that's not the issue right now.)

I've been living in fear for years... I didn't trust any men and boys (I've been also bullied by boys during my childhood). I've always acted hostile towards them. Then I got into middle school and it was during that time that I've realised what happened to me and what I've lost as a child. Short after that I've gotten into a depression... I wasn't a drug- nor an alcoholaddict because I was against it. (and I'm still against it) I was really suicidal and nobody knew it. But I failed at each attempt to kill myself because I thought about my family and friends and those who really care about me. I couldn't just leave them... I was imagining what it would be like if I died without them knowing why I've commited suicide. I just thought it was unfair to them, I just didn't want to hurt them... And I've been thinking about it for years...

Last year, I decided to take my first step to tell my story to someone and that very first person was my sister who's 3 years younger than me. I was very afraid to tell my story to my sister for the first time because I was afraid of her reaction. At first she didn't know what I was talking about until I've said it explicitly. She was shocked after that, but didn't get angry with me. She was speechless because she didn't know what to say. But she did comfort me and I felt better after that. I even felt more relieved after telling my story. The next person who also knew my story was my brother who's almost 1 year younger than me. (we were born in the same year) He was the first boy who knew about it. My little brother is quite mature for his age and tried to cheer me up by making a joke about it. I felt really blessed that I have such a brother and sister, but I still quarrel frequently with my brother because of some misunderstandings. We're both awkward people and we're easily misunderstood by other people. *chuckle*

Then one day, my school was organizing an event about sexuality and sex education. I felt really uncomfortable and I broke down on that very day. They didn't know what happened to me and they sent me to the secretary. I told her my story by writing it because I was unable to speak at that time. After that, she sent me to the guidance counselor. Then she made an appointment with a female psychologist. I was unsure at first, but I just gave it a try.

On 20 January (Friday), my mother suddenly asked me if I've had any problems. My little sister was also present at that moment. After that question my sister and I looked at each other and she asked me if she could tell it to her in my place. I thought for a moment and I decided to tell it myself. My mother cried after hearing my story and I felt also really bad. We both cried and she let me stay at home because I couldn't go to school in that state. She called my school to get the permission to stay at home.

The next person who knew my story was one of my friends. I didn't know why I told her, but I knew that I could trust her. And my journey to get out of the darkness began... I guess even before that.^^'

And if I look at myself right now, I came to realise that I've told my story to a lot of people. Many friends, teachers and family members and some classmates know my story. And some of them also know other people who have had the same experience...

I gain what I gave to them. And those things that I've gained are the strength and trust in other people...

Introduction

Hi there! My dear companion.

Before I begin to tell you my story, I would like to introduce myself.
My name's Song and I'm 18 years old right now. The biggest reason why I've made this blog is because I've recently realised that I was not the only one with this problem. And I want to help other victims who have also been assaulted by posting some encouraging messages on this blog. (But I'll not be able to do it frequently because of my busy schedule and therefore I'm going to do my best to help you out.)

I want to give them (you) my strength and the confidence to stand up again after being tripped. I want them (you) to move forward to the future and give that trauma a place in their (your) heart.

I'm not a psychologist, but I really want to help you to get out of the darkness with the little and the big things that I have experienced.(I'm still in the process of growth and self-development) 

Please don't give up and I hope that this blog can help you until the end of our journey...

Sincerely Yours,

Song